[he knows what happens when it runs out. he knows where he ends up. megatron doesn't think about it and ignores the psychosomatic burning of the handprint on his chest, though can't quite stop himself reaching up to it.]
It won't.
[that's all he seems to have to say to that, stopping by the doors to mac's and holding one open for her. let it not be said his manners aren't slowly getting better since optimus domesticated him.]
[Velocity steps through with a smile and a curious expression as she looks around. She's never been here before, and the decor is interesting, but not as interesting as her companion.]
You said you came here to pick up a few things, right? Should we sit at the bar? You'll have more room to stretch your leg out there, if you need to.
[She knows he does, but the question is whether that pride and spite of his will allow it.]
[megatron has been here many times before if his ease in the place is any indication. it looks like his order is already for pick up, as he downloaded the app messaged ahead of time before he'd even left his room. there's a curious selection of organic food that he definitely can't ingest himself and a couple of boring blue cubes of energon.]
I usually... [he tilts his head noncommittally toward a table in the corner. he's already accepted that this time to himself will not happen, so might as well get on with the to do list.
collecting his order and shoving most of it haphazardly into his subspace save for one cube for himself, megatron leaves her to make whatever order she wants and follow him if she chooses. he has some datapads to work through, some accounts to check and books to chase. it's so... benign. boring. un-megatron like, though he doesn't quite know what to think megatron like actually is. breaking the monotony with violence? flying to some planet and starting a war?
the dichotomy is as difficult to reconcile as it always is, and he ends up staring blankly at the log in page for a long few moments.]
[Velocity peeked at his order despite herself, though quickly raised her optics to the ceiling as if she'd witnessed something deeply private. Orders a drink without looking down, then accepts it and finally lowers her gaze just to see him staring blankly at that datapad of his.]
Are you all right? Is it the pain, or is something on your mind? Admittedly, I'm better at handling one over the other...
[a lot of things immediately pop into his mind, but they're mostly just whining. pathetic little complaints that would get him nowhere except closer to how antlers conducts himself-- blaming everyone else for his problems and impotently grousing about things that are within his power to change. pointedly, he stretches his leg out underneath the table. his joint creaks slightly, betraying that he possibly hasn't been doing the exercises as much as he should, but otherwise he remains silent.]
You would do well not to speak to me like you know me, [he starts off as he finishes the log in, looking at the screen rather than her. his tone isn't angry or accusing, but it's certainly not happy.] the Decepticons here that still see fit to follow me - few in number though they may be - rely on me. Do not misunderstand me, I am not telling you this as some sad, weary admission that I find it too much. I do not. I know exactly how it is to have several or an entire army with expectations of you as their leader. I consider myself extremely fortunate of who I have following me here, as they have been capable enough to understand that the point of my Decepticons is no longer to destroy the Autobots or whatever little planet we find just for resources and fun.
[his tone stays even as he says this-- he doesn't seem to hold much outward regret for those past actions. or inward, actually. megatron doesn't really dwell on those actions all that much these days. he is also unwilling to admit to the little organic beasts relying on him, too. that seems too close to admitting like he cares a lot about them.]
Do some reading on the war. [he's clocked by now that she doesn't have an autobrand, seems too young and idealistic to have been through it all.] Try and actually understand your patients, instead of taking wild guesses. Yes, it differs through realities, but most here have been fighting for the majority of their lives. Most have watched their friends and loved ones die horrible, pointless deaths. They learned to cope however they could. Some of them will never be able to change that. And to be brought here, where everything matters even less...
[it's clear he's counting himself separate from all this, as he says they instead of we. and yet-- he's only describing himself exactly, too.] You have no idea what--
[he cuts himself off, suddenly, from the words carrying the most emotion he's expressed in the entire conversation, everything guttering back out into his usual resigned exhaustion.]
[She sat and she stared. There was the temptation to lower her eyes down to the table and to squirm the way she always had when people took her to task for getting something wrong, although this was bigger than a spelling or reading comprehension mistake, and it wouldn't have felt right to cower when he corrected her as if he were some monster. He wasn't. He was just the same as anyone, and anyone deserved to be met with her chin held high.]
I didn't mean- I didn't intend to-
[She tightened her grip on her own drink, which was the lightest they'd had available, then deliberately relaxed it.]
I apologize. I shouldn't have made assumptions. I don't want to make you or my other patients to feel disrespected or like I'm not listening, I really genuinely do want to understand. So... I will do like you said, and do research on the war.
[Another pause, as she glanced at him, weighing whether it would be appropriate to point out that he'd been talking about his soldiers as if the war had happened to just them, and not him, but eventually decided to remain quiet.]
[he doesn't really look back at her, but he doesn't tell her to go away, either. megatron has no intention of offering any comfort for any self-esteem knocks she's taken.]
See if someone's put a report together for all that's happened while we've been here, too. The politics, Unicron. All that nonsense.
[A nod, along with making a mental note to talk to Knock Out about this during future visits, if he recommended she have any more. She'd never thought about herself as presumptuous before, but she supposed most presumptuous people didn't. It was a disconcerting feeling, and one she intended to banish by beating with the stick of self awareness. If possible.]
Is there something I should keep in mind while reading through them? If you didn't make the reports on things you've lived through, yourself, how will I know if it's objective?
No. I trust those who wrote of the events that happened since we all arrived to have left bias out of it.
[which is an odd feeling, because a version of starscream is potentially one of them. at the very least, megatron doesn't think everything revolves around him to the degree that starscream would bother with petty bias when reporting on something much bigger and more important. the bar is so low. it's in hell. he trusts magnus thoroughly, though. which is............ also weird, because he's an autobot lawman. oh god. everything is upside down.]
[Another nod as she pulled out her datapad and began to dictate into it.] Note to Lotta Littles, go to the library after your next few shifts to research the variations of the war, along with recent events and politics. Unicron, too, there's got to be more than stories.
[She glanced aside as him and raised her datapad to gesture with it.] I apologize if this is distracting, I have difficulty reading and writing, and it helps me focus. Especially because... [A hesitation, as she thinks of her suspicions that she's steadily going mad.] Things have been been, um. Strange. Since arriving here. Have they been strange for you?
It's not. [he says, even though it is a little.] Do as you need to.
[despite what it became, he doesn't forget that in many realities the war was started because the cybertronian council before would not protect or offer mechs like velocity opportunities due to their needs being slightly different. he doesn't think any version of himself would regret burning that antiquated and offensive institution down.]
Yes. Very. I was dealt fatal damage before I came here-- I knew I was dying. Inevitably; the damage was too great. Yet, I fell out the space bridge with almost nothing to show for it. [it is not hard to guess that handprint was involved in the fatal damage, given that spark chambers don't usually take well to being burned.] I say this having travelled to multiple alternate realities before coming here.
[Velocity nodded, started to take a sip of her drink, then put it down without touching it. She looked haunted by the handprint on his chest, and all the more so by her own thoughts.]
Do you... do you ever wonder... I mean. If no one but you remembers things happening the way they did, how do you know it really happened?
[his expression twists; this is a question not too dissimilar ones that plague his processor into the night. if an optimus from his little branch of realities shows up who could not reconcile what had happened between them, if his own showed up with no memory. it's a selfish fear of his, focused on him losing something he wants.]
I suppose you don't, not unless you trust your own recollection... [he mutters lightly, looking over to her with a frown.] Do you not?
[Velocity's thoughtful frown eased into a smile as she gave a little laugh, though beneath the table her free hand clenched and released into a fist, knowing she'd said too much already.]
Anyone would on first showing up here, wouldn't they? Maybe I've just been working too hard.
[that gets an odd look from him. he considers something, then takes a tool out of his subspace. nothing special, just a thick wrench. megatron puts it on the table next to her.]
[A pause and a puzzled look, before she obligingly set down her cube and tried with both hands to bend the wrench, without any success whatsoever. She let out a huff of a laugh and set it back down where she'd picked it up, giving it a little nudge so the angles matched up. It was a new habit she'd picked up, to help keep from bothering Ratchet when she had to borrow or move something.]
I, um? I don't think I understand, but it's still very solidly the way it was.
You can't argue with physics. You are empirically unable to do anything to that tool.
[perhaps showing off a little, megatron picks the wrench up and easily twists it around onto itself. he puts it back on the table, where it rocks slightly from its new completely uneven form.]
Now you know something had to have happened, because the physical proof is there. You can't just tell yourself you bent it! Isn't it harder deny reality, then?
[he flicks the ex-wrench and it rolls over with a clatter.]
Seems to me if someone else told you that you bent the wrench then they the one making things complicated.
[Velocity slowly reached out to pick up the newly bent wrench, holding it carefully in hands that were only steady through long practice. It still didn't confirm that everything that was happening truly was, but at least it confirmed that this exact moment was real, for what that was worth.]
Thank you. I hadn't really... Thought of this as a way to ground myself. It's clever.
Yes. You may also buy me a new one. [he skids a datapad open to space amazon to her.
a moment passes, one that feels heavier than it should.] ...I spent a lot of time living under my own delusions and convincing myself of a reality that wasn't accurate. It took something terrible to snap me out of it. A multiverse level threat.
[this time, he doesn't try to stop himself putting his hand to the hand print on his chest. it matches the shape perfectly.]
See that it doesn't take something terrible to remind you.
[Velocity reached out for the datapad and slowly, carefully began to type in her payment information.]
I'm so sorry that happened. It sounds like whatever it is, happened to a lot of other people, too, but... it's also yours.
[She didn't miss that the handprint had fit into the old injury perfectly, like a puzzle piece whose home she'd been straining to find, and went quiet for a time. Then she laughed, thinking of what her best efforts had not done for her year after year after year. She already knew what it was like to doom yourself to seemingly endless misery, but that didn't sound like what he'd meant...]
I'll do my best. But I can't predict the future. I can only keep going, the same way all of us have.
It's something I did to myself. [in the most literal way possible.] I could have asked for help, but I did not. I was too proud, and it killed me.
[his expression pinches for a moment.]
Or... whatever the timeline nonsense here is. I'm alive here, but have been deactivated back home for centuries from-- Optimus's perspective. Possibly another universe entirely. I do not think about any of this; too much of a processorache.
[Velocity almost reaches out to take his hand in a comforting gesture, but thinks now might not be the best time, and allows her to fall back to curl back around her other hand.]
What if- what if everything you've worked for vanishes, if you tell anyone? Everyone before, during, and since kept believing in me, but- What if that's not enough?
[A pause with the beginnings of an uncertain frown, because hadn't it only been due to the encouragement of others that she'd made it as far as she had? What was she, without that? (Not a doctor.) Then a laugh.]
It's worked for you, right? And you're still here. Might be something to this spite of yours.
[he sees that the concept of it makes her slightly uncomfortable-- but doesn't feel all that bad about it.]
Or... whatever keeps you going. [he concedes, less to make her feel better and more because he feels that's a more apt way to express thanks for her efforts in making sure he isn't falling to pieces.] Just don't expect it to stay positive or uncomplicated long.
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It won't.
[that's all he seems to have to say to that, stopping by the doors to mac's and holding one open for her. let it not be said his manners aren't slowly getting better since optimus domesticated him.]
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You said you came here to pick up a few things, right? Should we sit at the bar? You'll have more room to stretch your leg out there, if you need to.
[She knows he does, but the question is whether that pride and spite of his will allow it.]
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downloaded the appmessaged ahead of time before he'd even left his room. there's a curious selection of organic food that he definitely can't ingest himself and a couple of boring blue cubes of energon.]I usually... [he tilts his head noncommittally toward a table in the corner. he's already accepted that this time to himself will not happen, so might as well get on with the to do list.
collecting his order and shoving most of it haphazardly into his subspace save for one cube for himself, megatron leaves her to make whatever order she wants and follow him if she chooses. he has some datapads to work through, some accounts to check and books to chase. it's so... benign. boring. un-megatron like, though he doesn't quite know what to think megatron like actually is. breaking the monotony with violence? flying to some planet and starting a war?
the dichotomy is as difficult to reconcile as it always is, and he ends up staring blankly at the log in page for a long few moments.]
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Are you all right? Is it the pain, or is something on your mind? Admittedly, I'm better at handling one over the other...
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You would do well not to speak to me like you know me, [he starts off as he finishes the log in, looking at the screen rather than her. his tone isn't angry or accusing, but it's certainly not happy.] the Decepticons here that still see fit to follow me - few in number though they may be - rely on me. Do not misunderstand me, I am not telling you this as some sad, weary admission that I find it too much. I do not. I know exactly how it is to have several or an entire army with expectations of you as their leader. I consider myself extremely fortunate of who I have following me here, as they have been capable enough to understand that the point of my Decepticons is no longer to destroy the Autobots or whatever little planet we find just for resources and fun.
[his tone stays even as he says this-- he doesn't seem to hold much outward regret for those past actions. or inward, actually. megatron doesn't really dwell on those actions all that much these days. he is also unwilling to admit to the little organic beasts relying on him, too. that seems too close to admitting like he cares a lot about them.]
Do some reading on the war. [he's clocked by now that she doesn't have an autobrand, seems too young and idealistic to have been through it all.] Try and actually understand your patients, instead of taking wild guesses. Yes, it differs through realities, but most here have been fighting for the majority of their lives. Most have watched their friends and loved ones die horrible, pointless deaths. They learned to cope however they could. Some of them will never be able to change that. And to be brought here, where everything matters even less...
[it's clear he's counting himself separate from all this, as he says they instead of we. and yet-- he's only describing himself exactly, too.] You have no idea what--
[he cuts himself off, suddenly, from the words carrying the most emotion he's expressed in the entire conversation, everything guttering back out into his usual resigned exhaustion.]
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I didn't mean- I didn't intend to-
[She tightened her grip on her own drink, which was the lightest they'd had available, then deliberately relaxed it.]
I apologize. I shouldn't have made assumptions. I don't want to make you or my other patients to feel disrespected or like I'm not listening, I really genuinely do want to understand. So... I will do like you said, and do research on the war.
[Another pause, as she glanced at him, weighing whether it would be appropriate to point out that he'd been talking about his soldiers as if the war had happened to just them, and not him, but eventually decided to remain quiet.]
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See if someone's put a report together for all that's happened while we've been here, too. The politics, Unicron. All that nonsense.
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Is there something I should keep in mind while reading through them? If you didn't make the reports on things you've lived through, yourself, how will I know if it's objective?
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[which is an odd feeling, because a version of starscream is potentially one of them. at the very least, megatron doesn't think everything revolves around him to the degree that starscream would bother with petty bias when reporting on something much bigger and more important. the bar is so low. it's in hell. he trusts magnus thoroughly, though. which is............ also weird, because he's an autobot lawman. oh god. everything is upside down.]
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[She glanced aside as him and raised her datapad to gesture with it.] I apologize if this is distracting, I have difficulty reading and writing, and it helps me focus. Especially because... [A hesitation, as she thinks of her suspicions that she's steadily going mad.] Things have been been, um. Strange. Since arriving here. Have they been strange for you?
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[despite what it became, he doesn't forget that in many realities the war was started because the cybertronian council before would not protect or offer mechs like velocity opportunities due to their needs being slightly different. he doesn't think any version of himself would regret burning that antiquated and offensive institution down.]
Yes. Very. I was dealt fatal damage before I came here-- I knew I was dying. Inevitably; the damage was too great. Yet, I fell out the space bridge with almost nothing to show for it. [it is not hard to guess that handprint was involved in the fatal damage, given that spark chambers don't usually take well to being burned.] I say this having travelled to multiple alternate realities before coming here.
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Do you... do you ever wonder... I mean. If no one but you remembers things happening the way they did, how do you know it really happened?
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I suppose you don't, not unless you trust your own recollection... [he mutters lightly, looking over to her with a frown.] Do you not?
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Anyone would on first showing up here, wouldn't they? Maybe I've just been working too hard.
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Try and bend that.
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I, um? I don't think I understand, but it's still very solidly the way it was.
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[perhaps showing off a little, megatron picks the wrench up and easily twists it around onto itself. he puts it back on the table, where it rocks slightly from its new completely uneven form.]
Now you know something had to have happened, because the physical proof is there. You can't just tell yourself you bent it! Isn't it harder deny reality, then?
[he flicks the ex-wrench and it rolls over with a clatter.]
Seems to me if someone else told you that you bent the wrench then they the one making things complicated.
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Thank you. I hadn't really... Thought of this as a way to ground myself. It's clever.
[Turning the wrench over in her hands]
Can I keep this?
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a moment passes, one that feels heavier than it should.] ...I spent a lot of time living under my own delusions and convincing myself of a reality that wasn't accurate. It took something terrible to snap me out of it. A multiverse level threat.
[this time, he doesn't try to stop himself putting his hand to the hand print on his chest. it matches the shape perfectly.]
See that it doesn't take something terrible to remind you.
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I'm so sorry that happened. It sounds like whatever it is, happened to a lot of other people, too, but... it's also yours.
[She didn't miss that the handprint had fit into the old injury perfectly, like a puzzle piece whose home she'd been straining to find, and went quiet for a time. Then she laughed, thinking of what her best efforts had not done for her year after year after year. She already knew what it was like to doom yourself to seemingly endless misery, but that didn't sound like what he'd meant...]
I'll do my best. But I can't predict the future. I can only keep going, the same way all of us have.
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[his expression pinches for a moment.]
Or... whatever the timeline nonsense here is. I'm alive here, but have been deactivated back home for centuries from-- Optimus's perspective. Possibly another universe entirely. I do not think about any of this; too much of a processorache.
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What if- what if everything you've worked for vanishes, if you tell anyone? Everyone before, during, and since kept believing in me, but- What if that's not enough?
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Then all you have is yourself. [a beat-- he tilts his head towards her.] And your spite.
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It's worked for you, right? And you're still here. Might be something to this spite of yours.
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Or... whatever keeps you going. [he concedes, less to make her feel better and more because he feels that's a more apt way to express thanks for her efforts in making sure he isn't falling to pieces.] Just don't expect it to stay positive or uncomplicated long.
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